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Recently two of my best friends each lost a parent, and inevitably it reminded of my own loss two years ago when my own Mum passed away. Since that day I’ve been thinking a lot about life. On the surface, I must look like I have gone back to normal, but deep down I know that I shall never be the same again.
When it first happened, I felt like I was operating in a surreal vacuum, weighed down with a heavy heart, whilst others’ lives continued around me at a crazy pace, like some dream sequence from a film. The earth kept on spinning, days still dawned over and over, and, to quote Eliot Ness in the Untouchables, “Some part of the world still cares what colour the kitchen is.” The trivialities of day-to-day life suddenly seemed totally irrelevant.
As one would expect in a vacuum, joy was sucked out and mental function was dulled. Thankfully, mental clarity kicked in after the initial shock had subsided, but it took the best part of two years for my interest in life to be restored, and then only as a shadow of its former self. It’s not that I live under a cloud of depression. Far from it. It’s just that my once careless approach to life has been superseded by a more mindful existence, framed very much by life lessons.
For two years, I have rerun past scenes in my head. How I wish I had taken more time with Mum. How I wish I had done such-and-such but not something else. The realisation that I can never have those moments again feels like time wasted and brings with it a renewed sense of loss. It is indeed true that life is not a rehearsal. Each moment, each action, each decision, is the real thing.
Reflection too has given me better insight on my mother’s own grief many years before. Widowed at only 49 years of age, her only daughter (me) went to college seven years later, never to return, and just months after this, her own mother died. At an age barely above mine now, she had suffered incredible loss and would live on her own for her remaining 37 years. Recently, whilst I was grieving for my own loss, I found myself not only stepping into her shoes, but grieving for all her losses too. At long last, I understood how her life experiences had shaped her views and character. It made me realise so much about this woman who I had known only as my mother. It was then, whilst looking at life through her eyes, that I could forgive her all the silly things which I had perceived to be “wrong”. It was then too that I started learning to forgive myself for not being fully present all those times in the past, for it was only in loss, that I had started to appreciate the true value of every moment.
Lessons
Don’t take anything for granted.
Certainly, don’t take life for granted.
It’s not a rehearsal.
Appreciate.
Appreciate each moment, including the small and the big things.
Appreciate all the lovely people in your life.
Give these people your time.
They are precious.
So too is the time you spend with them.
The colour of your kitchen does NOT matter.
Forgive others.
Forgive yourself.
This post is dedicated to Mum
And inspired by my lovely blogging friend Debbie – of Forgiving Connects (see her latest blog post here https://forgivingconnects.com/2017/07/21/todays-forgiving-fridays-wow-a-big-decision/)
I echo all of this having lost my brother the week before my 24th birthday and my so ‘s 2nd birthday in an horrific accident, my dad a couple of weeks after my 34th birthday to multiple heart attacks in several hours while pruning his father’s tree. My mum was 56 and has been on her own ever since. She has had to learn to manage her finances, use public transport (she doesn’t drive) and cope with cancer at 64. And in a special twist of irony, these events happened at this time of year when most of our family have birthdays so we are simultaneously grieving and celebrating – and we are currently choosing paint for our kitchen! I am with you in spirit 💜
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Chris – How tragic about your brother’s and father’s death. Both must have been so young. Your Mum would have had to have coped like my own Mum – thrown into a life on her own, far too early. And you have had to cope with all this from an early age too. I think it makes us stronger (though at times it doesn’t feel much like it) and hopefully wiser or awake.
Life does seem very cruel at times.
How strange about your kitchen too !!
Thank you so much for commenting
Judith x
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Thank you, I also lost a friend age 17 and was totally distraught. No-one had ‘taught’ me how to cope with grief and I was almost destroyed by my younger brother’s death, my dad took to drink, we couldn’t talk about it as a family. it’s only recently I began to mention it. One of my other brothers and I have talked about it in recent years, but we all have our different perspectives and complicated relationships, it’s just better to avoid it.
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Chris – I am so sorry that you have known so much tragedy 😦 It’s interesting that different people react to loss in different ways. Sadly, it’s all too common to hold on to grief without expressing it, or discussing It, even within families. I do believe though that it’s something that never leaves you. My father died when I was eleven, and that loss is still with me, 44 years later !!! Judith x.
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I’m so sorry, that’s awful. I miss my dad every day but I have no idea how an 11 year old could cope with such loss. 💜
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Oh I am so touched, Judith. This line really blew me out of the water: my once careless approach to life has been superseded by a more mindful existence, framed very much by life lessons.
I am honored to be a reader of your blog, and to witness the process of you with your mom’s passing. ❤ I'm so happy to highlight your post for my Forgiving Fridays post this week. There are many gems, on both forgiveness and gratitude. I'd add one more: be gentle with yourself in your learning how to express love.
Bless you and the Soul of your mom, Judith,
Debbie 🙂
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Thanks Debbie. I’ve learnt so much from reading your blog. Thanks for including me this week – I feel honoured too 🙂 Excellent addition. Being gentle on oneself is SO important. Probably one of the top things 🙂 🙂 Blessings to you too 🙂 xx.
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